my daughter is six: what it means to “nic”

anna jae and the george, halloween 2014.

my daughter — my first of two, anna jae — turned six on tuesday. SIX. that seems so old to me right now. like a big kid. a for-real kid. not a baby anymore, not a little one. she’s six.

i could make this a post about how awesome my kid is. and she is, for sure — she’s funny, she’s smart, she’s goofy… she’s doing great in school, reading at a much higher level than her kindergarten age, etc… i could also make this a post about what six means. she’s more aware of other people’s feelings, she’s talking back more, the drama still hasn’t gone away, but she can play on her own more… nah… i’ll leave that to others.

what this post is really about the impact that having kids has on a one-woman business. obviously, my kids/my business. this is a post about six years of attempting to make it work.

i’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. especially since my new year at work hasn’t really started yet. i had a ton of momentum ending 2014. i took a break over the holidays — we host christmas eve, the kids were home, there was a lot going on. so, except for a few small biz tasks, i pushed work off until january 5, when the kids go back to school and normal life can resume. problem was, it didn’t really resume. my birthday was the 6th, so i spent most of the 5th getting stuff out of the way so that i could relax the next day. but then, from the 7th on, i have been caught in a whirlwind of responsibility. very little of which related back to my studio. my little guy was kinda sick. there was food to be bought, laundry to be done, cleaning for anna’s 6th birthday get-together… i got a cold. i had to shop for anna’s real birthday, make her a proper dinner, get her cupcakes, etc. i had to go to her school to volunteer for the afternoon and then take her home with me. pick her up at normal time (she usually goes to afterschool so that i can work a full day) on her birthday and one other day, so that she could do fun birthday things. i had to prep for a trip we’re taking — pack kid stuff and prepare for all eventualities. i’m still dealing with a cold… it’s been a long couple of weeks.

as a result, i’ve barely done any work for the studio. outside of a few FB posts, a couple of estimates, and some small outside design work, i haven’t been able to devote any energy or time to my company.

this is a constant problem when you are a one-woman operation and a mother -the mom stuff comes first. and, of course, it should. but sometimes, to be honest, it’d be really nice if it didn’t. it’d be really nice if i could push all those things aside and just focus on my work. on my brand. on my sales. on my social media. but no… those are secondary. or tertiary. and have been for the past 6 years. and it’s why the business is never where i envision it being at the end of each year.

i’m not going to lie — this never gets easier. at least not for me. it’s never been completely fine with me to sacrifice everything i work hard for in the name of runny noses or school breaks. unlike most moms i know, i count down the days until we send our little guy to school full-time, so that i can have some more time to call my own. and whereas i used to work late into the night (ok, i often still do), it gets harder when you have to wake up at 6:30 every day to get the kids where they need to go. calling the work-night at 3am isn’t as romantic a notion as it used to be. some work-at-home moms have different systems — an assistant, more childcare, a nearby grandparent or aunt/uncle to pick up some of the slack. but if you are the primary caregiver, the first one up on the battlefield, AND you’re the only one running your business, guess which one gets it in the end?

don’t get me wrong. a big part of me loves being home with the kids. since i work from home, i don’t miss anything. i’m here for all their firsts, i have no boss to haggle with when they’re sick, i can sneak in a lot of stuff around nap schedules and playdates. i am fully aware of how lucky i am that i get to do all that. we chose to keep things this way for a reason — we like being there for our kids, and since my business makes less money for our household than my husband’s, i’m the go-to parent. but everything comes with a price. and if you aren’t willing to give up your work completely when you have children — and i am not made that way — then you *do* need to arm yourself for the inevitability of your work taking a backseat to the kids.

the kids have given me a lot of great stuff for my work as well. tons of inspiration. a large part of my cards and a whole series of prints are related directly to things my daughter has said or seen or done. the models for several of my baby/family cards are my husband and daughter. you need a sense of humor to be a parent, and luckily, that humor works well in 2D format. the trick here is, when do i find the time to translate it all onto the page?

sometimes i think i should just give this all up. stop trying to move this business forward, and give into what life keeps tossing my way. i’m a mom first… maybe i should be a MOM, and not a WORK-AT-HOME-MOM. but then my husband looks at me with that fear in his eyes, the fear of what a non-working nicole would be like — insane, high strung, and not very happy. because my work keeps me sane. creativity — the type that has nothing to do with school projects or entertaining a toddler on a rainy day — keeps me sane. painting, drawing, designing… they all release the endorphins that i am told exercise should (another thing that my schedule won’t allow, btw!). and so i keep going. through the ups and downs, the weeks winning at work against the months being needed as mommy… because i need to keep working. it’s what’s best for my family.